Sloshed In Translation

Seeing as I decided to finally stop taking my site… blog… whatever so seriously these days, I feel a lot better about not updating it until I really want to, or find inspiration as the case may be. On that note I came up with an idea while driving home from work today. There I was minding my own business, driving as I always do ( which may have been a tad faster than I should have been during rush hour Atlanta traffic ( read: 6 miles an hour ) ) when someone who was apparently in a dick hard hurry to hurry up and wait behind the car in front of me decided it was an intelligent idea to essentially force me on to the side of the road….

“Fucking douche bag” I thought to myself. -cue idea light bulb!- And so the idea started to fester, “man there’s a lot of douche bags in the world”, but lets face it, there are different types of douche bags, some tolerable, others, well, worthy of a flame thrower to the sphincter. This being said… Welcome to… The Chronicles of Douche Baggery! “But who is our first specimen?” you may be asking yourself. Well my loyal friends ( subjects ) allow me to introduce… The B.M.Double Douche!

Yes yes I know, not everyone with a nice car ( better than mine ) is a complete douche… but there are certain rules of the road one must learn when living in a metropolitan area… which are as follows;

• If they have soccer stickers.

• If they have religions stickers.

• If they have a vanity plate.

• If they have any stickers pertaining to some award their future welfare recipient of a child won.

• If they drive a car that costs more than an average home payment… a week.
  

They more than likely drive like teens or old people fuck… Fast and completely confused, or slow and sloppy.

 Yes, we know you think you are important… yes, you need to get to the Asian massage parlor before your wife finds out your late meeting was just a farce ( more than likely because shes fucking your boss to begin with )… but seriously, can you do the rest of us with an IQ above the grade of an average pubic hair a favor and make a hard left into the center divider?

Honestly, these are the only people on the road that seem to take lane changes and forced merge lanes as a personal challenge against their man… or womanly… eh fuck it they’re all the same to me.. manhood… yet even though they drive the same route every day, they know that driving on the far right side of a freeway will eventually put them in a merge lane… they STILL refuse to change their driving habits.

Though its not all bad, I’ve learned something. Ever since the idiotic neighbor of a friend of mine hit my car… while it was stationary… and I was asleep… in the house, these douche bags seem to have the mental capacity to assume I have full coverage insurance on my car with the busted ass head light…

 That’s right Richie Dick, merge in to me, I could use a nice lawsuit…

 …I’m sick of working for a living anyways.