Sloshed In Translation

-Finish a book and/or story
-Less things that are bad for my health (mostly because of the financial burden, admittedly)

Now, for some 2009/00s-wrap-up-crapola.

Goodbye to the Age of the Vampire. I’ll be honest, I won’t miss it a damn bit. I’m not sure if anyone else has called it the Age of the Vampire, but since I’m unaware, I’m totally snagging props for it.

If you’re unaware as to why one would call it the Age of the Vampire, chances are you haven’t really paid attention to the movie theater or a television or the internet or, hell, bookstore this past decade – count yourself lucky on most accounts, although you did miss some pretty neat stuff at the same time – and are blissfully ignorant of the stampede that is the vampire herd.

Sure, there’ve been arguments that we’ve ALWAYS been in a vampire craze. That every decade someone lifts the metaphorical shovel and drops a whole new load from the pile on our faces. That might be true. In fact, it probably is. I’m not going to look and try to confirm it, but knock yourself out. The reason I won’t look is because I’m not talking about actual vampires. No, I’m not referring to the vampires of yesteryear: Nosferatu, Dracula. Shit, I’d even count Anne Rice’s superhero/religiously symbolic vampire novels and movies as ‘classic’ vampires at this point, even though I mostly blame them for what people now accept as vampires.

No, I’m not going to go an anti-sparkling-vampire rant or go on about how vampires with a Matrix trilogy wardrobe piss me off. But I will mention them. And I just did. Sneaky, aren’t I?

I’d like to say hello to the Age of Angels. With bloodsucking emo boys and girls out of the way, why not some emo boys and girls from Heaven? Or, hey, here’s an ‘original’ idea! Angels from HELL. Oh, man. Someone copyright that and take the check to the bank today, because hot damn. No one’s ever heard o– what’s the Bible again?

But I digress. The Age of the Angels. It’s something of a prediction on my part. And on alot of folks’ part, based on a little lookie-lookie around the intermess. What with Fallen (a ‘young adult’ novel, which I presume means it’s on par with Twilight, but I won’t make any hard assumptions) and its movie rights getting bought by Disney. What with Legion coming out, which looks awesome but is likely just the proverbial doorman to Motel Sparkling Angel. I figure that by 2020 I’ll be wanting that John Travolta movie Michael back like a crack fiend wants a candy bar. They like candy bars, right?

Now, before you tell me crap about how we’re ‘always dishing out angel media’, please read above about the vampire thing. Think about Twilight, think about Underworld. This is the kind of ‘modernizational’ form of classic things I’m talking about. Putting things in a trenchcoat or making them cry and/or sparkle doesn’t put a unique twist on things. Let’s be serious and objective. We aren’t thirteen, here.

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Let’s give a goodbye to the year (and decade, in the interest of fairness) of ‘important’ peoples’ deaths. Now, before I mention the first guy that pops in my head when I say ‘important’ in what amounts to internet air quotes, I want you to go grab a cup of tea or coffee or whatever it is that helps you relax or, at the very least, helps you shut the hell up.

Okay, ready?

Great.

Michael Jackson.

…are we still friends? If so, let’s keep going.

I’m not denying the man’s singing career. It was impressive. Not a fan of his music (or him) all that much personally, but I can see the allure. I’m not going to mention all the crap about the little kids or anything, because it’s really been done to death. Oh, look, I was sneaky again. I didn’t even see that one coming. Heh. Comi–

Sorry, let’s keep going.

Billy Mays. Now, the only reason this guy is famous is because of the existence of three groups of people. The first being people who have insomnia and/or some other reason to be awake at night to catch the infomercial shitstorm that rolls in at around 3AM. The second being people who are fans of buying things based on a televised advertisement, and the third, of course, being engrossed in internet pop culture.

I’m looking at you, 4chan.

I’ll try not to be longwinded on dead people from this decade (actually I only mentioned two and they were from this past year… crap, hurry, pick someone else from another year!) so I’ll spare you too many more.

William Hanna passed away in 2001. You might remember his last name if you’ve ever watched any cartoon from Hanna-Barbera. To alot of people – mostly furries or cartoon enthusiasts – this was a shot to the bojangles/ovarian region. But, really, he had little to nothing to do with cartoons as of about ten years before his death. I loved the cartoons produced as a child, but looking back at it now I can only give a tip of my hat. If I had one, that is. So, I’ll tip my oversized mug of ice water.

Here’s to you, Hanna.

Oh, and the ‘Barbera’ part of Hanna-Barbera died, too. Insert copy-pasted paragraph here. Sorry, Joseph Barbera.

Ronald Reagan died in 2004. The guy was an actor, then the president of the Screen Actors Guild, then he decided ‘What the Hell? If I can run this mess, I can run an entire COUNTRY!’ and became president for two terms, then he was blissfully unaware of the world for the last 15 years of his life thanks to Alzheimer’s. Lucky bastard. Living the life I could only dream of. Except for the president part and the Alzheimer’s part. And the acting part, for that matter, I can barely pretend to be asleep.

While we’re on the topic of 2004 deaths, Marlon Brando, better known as ‘that guy from The Godfather with that Mafia voice’ passed away. Are you expecting a Mafia crack? Or maybe a jowls joke, since the man had some impressive old man jowls? Well, I would never stoop so low.

In ’06, we had Gerald Ford die. He lived to be 93, like Reagan. I’m pretty sure his only will to live there toward the end was to beat Reagan’s record as longest living President by as much as he possibly could. I know that’s how I’d keep going. But, he died on Christmas, which is honestly a dick move on his part. What would Santa think?

Five days later in a surprisingly un-dick move (for the first time in his adult life), Saddam Hussein was executed for war crimes after being found imitating Bugs Bunny. You’d think he’d have learned that it was a right at Albuquerque by just watching the damn cartoons, but hey. What can you do?

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All in all, the 00s weren’t so bad. Unless you count the wars, turmoil and death in the Middle East, the 9/11 attacks, the crashing economies, the unemployed millions, the serious lack of equality based on sexual preference, the Armageddon Clock making out with midnight or the lack of progress as a species/civilization as a whole.

Which I don’t.

Happy 10s!