Sloshed In Translation

You know, it’s a bit sad that the Juggalo thing got a bit stale as I have list of possible targets to play with… but if I am to continue entertaining you all, gotta keep the content fresh!  So after a bit of searching through Vampire Freaks and Stickam I finally happened upon a pathetic soul that was good enough for me to play with.  ( You people really don’t understand how difficult this really is, literally, it took me 2 hours just to find you one target… and I don’t even ask for donations! )

Our oh so elusive friend doesn’t give us a name, but he looks like he went down the side of the fork in the road that leads to and inevitable ability to deep throat a cactus without the slightest effect on the good old gag reflex, so let’s name him “Spencer” shall we?  ( Most homosexual name I could come up with on the spot, forgive me, I’m only on my third glass of wine which is well below the operating regulations for Lucid Model 27.3.

Spencer is single ( naturally ), apparently 96 years old, from Savannah GA ( Oh god, he’s actually within driving distance of me, I wonder if his idiocy is contagious on a pandemic level ), he says he’s straight but well, let’s just say if this kid is straight I’m a compassionate and loving human being, and his occupation is “grunt” which I can only assume is a typo for “cunt”.

To the meat of it all, shall we?

Here is your basic rundown

Let me guess, you’re 17, live with one of your parents or the other ( as they are most likely divorced, he just puts off that broken home vibe ), a virgin, unemployed, and you have an absurdly unhealthy obsession with Golden Girls X-Rated Fan Fiction.

I can’t tell you WHO i am. Sorry thats for personal protection.

Told ya,  I wonder which one was the abuser, the Mother, or the Father.

Yeah sounds corny i know, just don’ ask.

No, it sounds like you are attempting to sound mysterious and special in a world where everything has been done, er-go you are grasping at straws attempting to obtain some small semblance of individuality due to a lack of parental attention.  Sad really, I give you till age 25 before you start torturing small animals before moving on to big boy serial killing.

…Wow that was vile even for me.  I’m so proud of me.

You want my name, Call me Calavera, or Seraph works fine too.

Ok Spencer.

Piss me off, I won’ play nice.

Awe, in before e-tough-guy threats!

Be chill, life will be okay. I write a lil.

Judging by your grasp of linguistics, I would say VERY little.  A lot of his profile is completely worthless information so from here on out I am just going to cherry pick the more amusing bits.

I’m not the nicest of guys but I can be alot worse.

Translation: If you make fun of him, he is going to cut himself until you feel bad about it.  Awe, poor Spencer… do they pick on you in school so you have to resort to affirming your manhood by attempting to sound intimidating over the internet?  It’s ok, one day you’ll reach the pinnacle of your existence and show all those meanies how amazing you are.  On a related note when you hit that spot in your life, I like extra mustard on my burgers… and for fucks sake, don’t burn the fries.  I hate that.

You respect me I’ll respect you.

You see, I can’t possible meant that request.  Respecting you would be a lot like respecting a piece of dog shit that attempting to convince me it was as tasty as cake.  Remember kids, the cake is a lie.

If i don’ respond to your email

It means I’m masturbating to photos of live stock.

Ok, enough of his explanation of who he wishes he was but is far too terrified to actually be, lets take a look at his very limited likes;

reading, writeing, drawing, tattoos

Does anyone else see the irony in that sentence?  Please, tell me I’m not that only one that just about died laughing… please?  I don’t really want to be the only left on the internet with half a brain.

…oh let’s face it with my drinking habits half a brain in the same sentence regarding myself is one of the biggest over statements ever written by human hands.

Dislikes, shall we?

mysterious people, Just fuckin with you. Oh i guess i didn’t mention that i’m a sarcastic ass did i?

I really get perturbed with people throw around the words sarcastic or sardonic as a badge of honor… Kid, you have to be at least slightly intelligent to be either, and from what I’ve seen I’m still confused as to how you were able to claw your way out of the vagina of that window licker you call a guardian without somehow getting tangled up in your cord ending in a violent death for the both of you.

…good lord, I’m getting a bit dark tonight.

NEXT!