Considering that I am a cynical ass hat with little to no sense of humor and a superiority complex  ( calling me an elitist in no way shape or form changes the fact that I’m simply better than you ), it takes a lot for something to actually make me lose my shit laughing.  A while ago I was sent something that did exactly that, so with the permission granted by the author(s), I present to you… “The Book of Lube”;

The Book of Lube – UNEARTHED

Recently we have unearthed a new book of the bible that features many of Jesus’ greatest teachings. we began the daunting task of transcribing this book so that these words shall no longer befall deaf ears. behold the first of the lost teachings! 

The Book of Lube

CHAPTER ONE

1 and Jesus said unto his brethren,

2 “In all things, thou shalt striveth to do The Right Thing.

3 Fucketh forthwith, lest thou wasteth thine divine time with he who sucketh in the sack.

4 If thou starteth no shit, thou shalt suffer no shit.

5 No illness shall befall he whoever drinketh spirits before ale; and yea, he who dareth to defy this Covenant, his knee shall bow before the Father’s porcelin throne, and shall be smitten with great malady.

6 Scratcheth mine balls, and I shall scratcheth thine.

7 If thou butt-fucketh a woman and then learneth that she is a man, thou hast lain with a man, and shalt giveth a reach-around forthwith.

8 Lo! Thou shalt allow no spirit to prevent thine entry into the Vali, for it is a wonderous garden of divine delights.

9 He who standeth most mightily upon the barrel of ale as to be king of the barrel, he shall then be crowned King of the Barrel.

10 He who first falleth into slumber upon imbibing spirits shall have the Mark of the Phallus permanently etched upon his brow.

11 Thoweth not up thy spirits, unless thou findeth thyself tow up from the flow up.

12 Yea, blessed is he who thoweth a dolla at a ho.

13 Verily I say unto thee, thine friend with weed is thine friend indeed.

14 And on the end of the fifth day, thou shalt freaketh; And on the sixth day, thou shalt freaketh; and the seventh day shall be a day of rest, and yea, on that day, thou shalt freaketh as if it were the End of Days.”

 

CHAPTER TWO

1 And Woo! On the night of the 20th day of the 4th month, the Angel of the Lord visited the prophet Dunkee in a dream, and said unto him,

2 “Harsheth not mine buzz.

3 Whenst thou findeth thyself faced with the conundrum of passeth thine holy shit or breaketh thine holy wind, chooesth thou one or the other, but sharteth not, lest thou soileth thine draws and loseth the respect of thine brethren.

4 In times of famine, be thou unafraid, for my people shall be rewarded with tube nutz in abundance, which they may vendeth freely, for a meager tithe.

5 Chooseth not to be a dick when it is expected of thee, for it shall elevate thine status in the eyes of thy God and thine brethren.

6 Curbeth an infidel if thou must.

7 The Man is among the lowliest of heretics, and shall suffer eternal damnation.

8 When the holiest of spirits abounds, drink deeply and give thanks, for God hast blessed thee with a great gift.

9 He who hath smelteth, dealteth.

10 Hideth not thine ample bosom beneath thine robes, but pusheth and squisheth thy blessed rack out of thine robes to be enjoyed by all of thine brethren.

11 In times of anguish, fill thyself with the Holy Spirits, and Woo! If thou art greatly troubled, thou shalt have thine spirits doubled.

12 Wet the soil with thy spirit in remembrance of thine brethren who hath ascended into Heaven.

13 Yea, thou shalt choose the fellowship of thine brethren over the company of harlots in all things.

14 Be wary when thou layeth with a man, for surely he hath lain with the one known as Bone, the Whore of Birmingham.

15 If thou suffereth from orificial drought, thou shalt seek proper succor from the Holy Fountain of Lube.

16 If thou seeeth the pootay, thou shalt seizeth the pootay.

17 Be wary lest thou findeth thyself under the yoke of woman’s toothed nether regions.

18 In all times and all places and in all things, know that I hearteth thee.”

All credit goes to Lauren & Kellie for this work of literary genius.