…then again, they are both from Texas, for all I know they very well could be related… I suppose in the eyes of “Bryan”, anything is better than the cows on the family farm.

Hey guess what douchebag, Joyce just so happens to be my girlfriend.

Chicken butt! Oh, wait, you were being serious… sorry. Ok, I’ll play your game Bryan, guess what! Joyce is a prostitute. I like this game!

You screwed up. Big time.

Dun dun duuuunnnn, enter, Bryan; The E-Tough-Guy. Boy do I love these people, keyboard warriors! Round one… FIGHT!

I’ll find out who you are

Here it comes, wait for it, it’s going to be epic, I just know it!

where you are and all I need to in order to kick the living shit out of you.

There it is! The E-Threat! Though I really wish these kids would come up with something a little more interesting…. I mean if I had a nickle for every time someone has told me they were going to “kick the living shit out of me”, I’d have enough to fill a sock and end Bryans inbred blood line forever. So lets make some logical deductions about Bryan, shall we?

• He’s not the Father of Joyce’s illegitimate child.
• As I said above, inbred.
• Well spoken, but all in all has shit for brains.
• Will end up and abusive drunk to Joyce, and her child… if they last that long.
• Has a gene pool so shallow it makes Paris Hilton look deep.

You’re nothing but a sad pathetic low life that hates themselves so they figure they have to post shit about others that’s false in order to make themselves feel better.

You forgot; Drunk, virgin, unintelligent, unattractive, lonely, and virgin, wait, I said that already… Come on man, keep up with the rest of the class.

Way to go douche-bag totally original work here.

Why thank you, I’m glad you enjoy my obvious talents.

Or at least that’s what I’d say if it were the truth and actually were original.

So wait, now you’re taking back what you just said? Well that wasn’t very nice of you, telling a bold face lie. Do you tell Joyce that the mere sight of her pug looking face doesn’t induce the urge to projectile vomit your cousins semen as well? How deep does your exaggeration go, I wonder.

But guess what there’s a ton of losers like you out there that do the same things that you do. You just chose the wrong girl to do it to.

I beg to differ, I think I chose a perfect target. Got my desired reactions, as well as some addition entertainment.

I’ll find you. Just wait it out buddy.

Can you pick up some cigarettes and vodka on your way? I’m running low… but please when you arrive, please don’t just stalk outside my window masturbating like you do while watching Discovery’s; The mating habits of the American Sheep…. it’s not that I would be honored at your sentiment… it’s just creepy is all.

Wait… I figured it out…

Bryan is her pimp!

Our oh so elusive friend doesn’t give us a name, but he looks like he went down the side of the fork in the road that leads to and inevitable ability to deep throat a cactus without the slightest effect on the good old gag reflex, so let’s name him “Spencer” shall we?  ( Most homosexual name I could come up with on the spot, forgive me, I’m only on my third glass of wine which is well below the operating regulations for Lucid Model 27.3.

Spencer is single ( naturally ), apparently 96 years old, from Savannah GA ( Oh god, he’s actually within driving distance of me, I wonder if his idiocy is contagious on a pandemic level ), he says he’s straight but well, let’s just say if this kid is straight I’m a compassionate and loving human being, and his occupation is “grunt” which I can only assume is a typo for “cunt”.

To the meat of it all, shall we?

Here is your basic rundown

Let me guess, you’re 17, live with one of your parents or the other ( as they are most likely divorced, he just puts off that broken home vibe ), a virgin, unemployed, and you have an absurdly unhealthy obsession with Golden Girls X-Rated Fan Fiction.

I can’t tell you WHO i am. Sorry thats for personal protection.

Told ya,  I wonder which one was the abuser, the Mother, or the Father.

Yeah sounds corny i know, just don’ ask.

No, it sounds like you are attempting to sound mysterious and special in a world where everything has been done, er-go you are grasping at straws attempting to obtain some small semblance of individuality due to a lack of parental attention.  Sad really, I give you till age 25 before you start torturing small animals before moving on to big boy serial killing.

…Wow that was vile even for me.  I’m so proud of me.

You want my name, Call me Calavera, or Seraph works fine too.

Ok Spencer.

Piss me off, I won’ play nice.

Awe, in before e-tough-guy threats!

Be chill, life will be okay. I write a lil.

Judging by your grasp of linguistics, I would say VERY little.  A lot of his profile is completely worthless information so from here on out I am just going to cherry pick the more amusing bits.

I’m not the nicest of guys but I can be alot worse.

Translation: If you make fun of him, he is going to cut himself until you feel bad about it.  Awe, poor Spencer… do they pick on you in school so you have to resort to affirming your manhood by attempting to sound intimidating over the internet?  It’s ok, one day you’ll reach the pinnacle of your existence and show all those meanies how amazing you are.  On a related note when you hit that spot in your life, I like extra mustard on my burgers… and for fucks sake, don’t burn the fries.  I hate that.

You respect me I’ll respect you.

You see, I can’t possible meant that request.  Respecting you would be a lot like respecting a piece of dog shit that attempting to convince me it was as tasty as cake.  Remember kids, the cake is a lie.

If i don’ respond to your email

It means I’m masturbating to photos of live stock.

Ok, enough of his explanation of who he wishes he was but is far too terrified to actually be, lets take a look at his very limited likes;

reading, writeing, drawing, tattoos

Does anyone else see the irony in that sentence?  Please, tell me I’m not that only one that just about died laughing… please?  I don’t really want to be the only left on the internet with half a brain.

…oh let’s face it with my drinking habits half a brain in the same sentence regarding myself is one of the biggest over statements ever written by human hands.

Dislikes, shall we?

mysterious people, Just fuckin with you. Oh i guess i didn’t mention that i’m a sarcastic ass did i?

I really get perturbed with people throw around the words sarcastic or sardonic as a badge of honor… Kid, you have to be at least slightly intelligent to be either, and from what I’ve seen I’m still confused as to how you were able to claw your way out of the vagina of that window licker you call a guardian without somehow getting tangled up in your cord ending in a violent death for the both of you.

…good lord, I’m getting a bit dark tonight.

NEXT!

…who knew?

• You notice the site never got “hacked”.
• I’ve recieved no calls from e-lawyers.
• The juggalos finally got a clue it seems… which amazes me.
• Fuck Georgia weather.
• And the following TV advertisement screams; “Need practice giving hand jobs?!  WE HAVE A SOLUTION!”

I have an article in the makings about feminism and World of Warcraft.

…I might make an example of some of the comments I’ve recieved over the last month… depending on how interested I am when I decided to do so.

That is all.

SO!  You will notice on the right side, yes, right over there… turn your head ( if you’re on the site and not reading my Live Journal… which… if it’s the ladder go to the website you lazy bum )… yes.  That new box called “Your Sloshed”.  That’s your little dashboard now.  Register a name, and you can post to the queue!  ( Meaning you won’t have to email me and you can take care of your own shit… yes, I know… complicated… you’ll manage. )  SO!  Register a name, click on “Submit To Sloshed”, and bingo-bongo, you’re ready to rock.

I do have a post coming that is more the speed of the site coming up here next.  It involves a two minute 60 second voice mail “inviting” me to fly to the other side of America to start a physical fight with a 15 year old.

Because… you know, that’s a perfectly logical idea.

…Social Darwinism… gotta love it.

Feel free to listen to his tirade while I am transcribing it.

To catch you up, last night I wrote a story about a angry little ginger. Naturally, he had more than a few things to say about that via comments. Now, he left said comment last night, yes, I could have responded to it then but I had a purpose with waiting until now which I will explain later in this article. So let’s get to it, shall we?

[ For those of you that wish to pull the “too long didn't read card, he's an idiot and here's the punch line ]

Before accusing someone of calling and leaving harrassing messages and talkin shit to you online make sure it was actually them..before you throw a blog tantrum get your facts straight.

Well, I do remember saying you left threatening voice mails, but that second part? No… no recollection… let me re-read what I wrote about you real quick. Nope, never said that, poor little illiterate red-neck. This is where I get to the explanation of why I waited! You see, if it was one of his lackeys, they would have already piped up about who left the message… seeing as by tracking every hit that comes here, they’ve returned many times, yet!.. No-one has piped up. Also, the message said very specifically “My room”, showing ownership… logically speaking ( as the little wiggers that follow this douche-canoe don’t seem to posses a mind of their own and would never wish to anger their fearless man-child leader )… It was you! Ain’t psychology fun. Onward Captain Poopy-Pants!

Your public out cry for attention is histerical.

Well yes, that’s kind of the point isn’t it? Entertainment value? I’m glad you agree.

Trying to get attention by mentioning mad house and myself is honestly quite sad.

Sad? Possibly… Rather effective? Proven to be most effective. Thanks for playing!

You are correct i was born in Laconia New Hampshire.

I usually am.

I havent been there in a very long time so next time try paying attention to whats being said, i am FROM laconia New Hampshire, i said nothing about living there still..

Well, doesn’t seem by this sentence you’ll be correcting me… sooo… Hows Laconia? Dad still in prison for live stock molestation? ( So I’ve been told )

who are you trying to reach with these blogs anyway?

God. You see, I figure if I amuse the powers that be enough they will look passed my alcoholism and chronic masturbation… Gotta get in to Heaven some how!

i have no clue where your getting your information from but obviously its from an unreliable source

Hey! The voices in my head are rarely wrong! No cut that out, you’ll make them sad… and believe me, no-one wants to deal with emo psychological abnormalities.

probably some under age kid that wasnt alloud in do to the fact there IQ level was about the same as yours.

( I don’t think he realizes that he just gave a fictitious character one hell of a compliment. )

But i will say this…

Oh oh! Let me guess. “I feel like chicken tonight! Chicken tonight! Chicken tonight!”?

im HONORED you took time out of your “busy schedule” to blog about me haha…

Awe. I was hoping for a catchy jingle from my youth. Though its painfully obvious my schedule at the moment isn’t the absolute definition of busy…

how dorkishly nice of you.

Wow, I don’t think I’ve heard the term “dork” used as a disparaging term since… what… the late 80′s? Kudos to you man, bringing it back.

Maybe instead of blogging about folks you should focus on getting a job and out of mommy and daddys house (i have my inside sources too)

Man your inside sources must be taking some psychotically amazing drugs. Tell them to share! I haven’t had a good trip in a long ass time. Though I suppose you’re correct in one aspect of that sentence, I do not in fact have a job. I have a career. Though hey, I’ll see you at work tomorrow, and remember I like extra onions on my burgers.

Im actually very well like in the juggalo nation

Really? Judging by the comments left here apparently you’re a pretty big failure in your scene. Though I suppose self induced reverse psychology is a viable means of existence.

only a select few do not like me but everyone has a member of there family they dont like;

Speaking from personal experience I assume? So how are family gatherings anyways? Have they let you join the adults table yet?

and this “GINGERLO” stuff is quite humorous

I agree, good to know you’ve accepted my stunning wit and superiority.

i have red hair and a red gotee, how creative of you

Please, please, stop with the compliments! I’m going to blush!

how long did it take you to come up with that? judging by how much effort you took into talking about me it must have taken you a painful two minutes.

Actually I saw the picture of you and it just kind of rolled off the tongue. Amazing, isn’t it?!

To be quite honest i ran your blog past a couple of people to see what they thought.

So what did your parents think? Oh I hope they like me! Please say they like me!

they ask “why is this guy so butt hurt about mad house?”

Awe, apparently they missed the point as well. I suppose that’s understandable, they spawned you… and you seem to be as bright as a broken light bulb, which would make them dumber than a box of toe-nails. Wait… that wasn’t fair. Poor toe-nails.

and honestly im asking myself that same question.

Ok, I want you to imagine a dotted line, and 100 feet above that line there is a dot. Think of that dot as you. Now imagine a dot 100 feet below that line, that dot is “the point”. Yeah, that’s the distance you’ve officially missed “the point”.

I cant figure out why some 27 year old guy is having internet arguments with people.

Read the previous articles, I think one of them depicts my massive amount of free time, alcoholism… I think I called myself an attention whore in one of them too. Not too quick on the draw are you cowboy?

I thought the saying was “with age comes knowledge”

I thought the saying was “With age comes disdain for stupidity”… but I’ve been known to be wrong…. rarely.

my friend you prove that too wrong.

How wrong is “too wrong”? Is it wrong like amusing yourself at the expense of other, such as what I am doing? Or wrong like incest… which you are no stranger to I’m sure.

Instead of acting your age you act like a 14 year old girl gossiping becuase you didnt get your way.

Really? The first image of me that comes to your mind is a 14 year old girl? Someone sound the pedophile alarm! Seriously kid, keep my out of your fantasies.

whats next are you going to rag on hip hop because everyone that does it makes more money then you?

I don’t know, are you going to rag on dirt farmers because they make more money than you?

Its sad in this day and age when a 19 year old has to educate a man almost in his 30’s

Heh, we’ll get to that comment at the end of this article, he who destroys the English language.

( if you really are the age it says on your stickam profile, becuase u act a lot younger)

Maybe if I painted my face like a pedophile clown I could be mature too?!

but im going to wrap this up

Sadly, your father didn’t the night of your conception.

so what “viewers” you actually have can read it.

Well that is actually very considerate of you.

From my understanding you have aprox. 4 subscribers, ooooo big popular man huh lol

This actually confused me until I looked at my front page trying to figure out what the hell he was talking about. Apparently I left my test code for the Google toolbar thing still running. Your sources suck again! ( This is becoming a trend )… I actually have 3 people that read the site! So there!

have a good day

Always do, thank you! Very kind.

10 Gauge A.K.A DJ_MaD_HoUsE

Translation: Slugger A.K.A. Incestuous Pedophile Clown.

P.S. you are absolutely right suicide is popular around this time of year.. thats why i fully support you on giving it a try.. without you the world can prosper.

Please, me? Commit suicide? I love myself far too much for that.

MMFWCL TO THE JUGGALO NATION

Oh yeah?! I can to that too! UHFWEIFEWIBFBEWG TO THE CLONE ARMIES!

So I responded to that whole tirade with I will get back to it later after I decipher half of what the hell he typed… his response?

well if you need to decypher it when i used correct english for the most part maybe your the one who needs to brush up on your english/grammar… I didnt mean to confuse you, But i do understand you need to take a second to answer it… take your time.

Some of you old timers know whats coming… don’t ya.

DJ Pedophile Gets Graded!

Oh and yes DJ, I realize my punctuation and grammar are just as bad… the difference is.

…I’m better than you, thus, I’m always right.

Get used to it.

Enter Carpcirrus… yes the beginning of his name… is “carp”. Do you people even know what a carp is?! Here ya go, here’s a carp, and I can only assume this is his father featured in the picture. Ah yes, a vampire bred by a carp fucking redneck… only in America people! Let’s get on to the description of this self destructive little cockblood sucker, shall we?

Well gee… I’m a bit confused, one part of his profile says he is from hell… the other says he is Carpathian… and yet ANOTHER spot says he is from St Petersburg, Florida… hrm, m’thinks we have a problem with multiple personalities happening here… I wonder which one, if any as actually remotely sane. Let’s see!

Im a carpathian vampyr

Well, there goes that idea of sanity. Where to start, where to start. Firstly, you might want to credit your assumed country by capitalizing the “c”… secondly, you spelled Vampire wrong. Off to a brilliant start!

derived from the carpathian mountain.

Pst, derived is not a synonym for “from”, or “born”… just a tip. Also, I’m sure you know this… you know being that you are “derived” from them, but there is more than one “Carpathian Mountain”… it’s a range of mountains… little lake in the middle, rather quaint I might add.

Make fun of me as you wish

Finally, a request I can live up to!

but im happy with who i am.

I have a theory about this actually. Have you ever looked at the homeless people in your city? I don’t meant the normal hobos, I’m talking about the people that walk around talking to themselves. Don’t they look like they are having an awesome time? Just walking around… talking to their invisible friends… having a blast.

I dont fly shapeshift or kill people for blood.

Of course not, because that would be WAY too far-fetched… you just sparkle in the sun light… and have horrible acting skills… and played Shark Boy at one point. ( You guys realize that Emo kid from Twilight was Shark Boy… right? )

Im also studying Seax wicca.

So wait, you’re a Vampire… and you are studying a “religion” that was invented in the late 1970′s? Cutting yourself a bit short aren’t you?

i’m in a very powerfull cult which travels around the world.

Oh please god let it be another heavens gate cult. Ok kid, here’s some advice, come 2012, DRINK THE KOOL-AID, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, DRINK THE GOD DAMNED KOOL-AID.

I take any actions to protect me and my family or my race without remorse

Translation: I tell my parents someone was being mean to me, and if that doesn’t work, I ban them from my chat room! I R BIG SCARY VAMPIRE!

I am not the person to mess with but if you wanna be an ally its ok

Be warned, if you do, he will give you a hickey.

choose fo and you’ll become part of a nightmare.

“Choose fo”? Fo?! Did I just get transported to a bad (irony) episode of Pokemon?! “Emo Kid, I choose foooooooooooooooooo!.”

…Blah blah blah, he likes piercings, he was a douche and pieced the webbing between his thumb and anal play finger, listens to metal, yada yada…. he enjoys camping ( no shit, he included that )…

I am allergic to the son

The son? Which son? Oooh, you meant the SUN.. gotcha. Thats odd, you have three pictures on your profile that feature you… uhm… in the Sun? Odd. Must not be a bad allergy. Wait wait wait, is this like when I said I was allergic to a full time job, because that didn’t get me very far in the real world.

it has been proven to specialist i must stay inside durring the daytime.

…Wow, that was barely English. I’m sure someone understands it but Nicole and Infected are watching Rocky Horror in the background and I’ve been drinking like an Irishman whilst beating his red headed step… wife.

Wait.

What?