Our oh so elusive friend doesn’t give us a name, but he looks like he went down the side of the fork in the road that leads to and inevitable ability to deep throat a cactus without the slightest effect on the good old gag reflex, so let’s name him “Spencer” shall we?  ( Most homosexual name I could come up with on the spot, forgive me, I’m only on my third glass of wine which is well below the operating regulations for Lucid Model 27.3.

Spencer is single ( naturally ), apparently 96 years old, from Savannah GA ( Oh god, he’s actually within driving distance of me, I wonder if his idiocy is contagious on a pandemic level ), he says he’s straight but well, let’s just say if this kid is straight I’m a compassionate and loving human being, and his occupation is “grunt” which I can only assume is a typo for “cunt”.

To the meat of it all, shall we?

Here is your basic rundown

Let me guess, you’re 17, live with one of your parents or the other ( as they are most likely divorced, he just puts off that broken home vibe ), a virgin, unemployed, and you have an absurdly unhealthy obsession with Golden Girls X-Rated Fan Fiction.

I can’t tell you WHO i am. Sorry thats for personal protection.

Told ya,  I wonder which one was the abuser, the Mother, or the Father.

Yeah sounds corny i know, just don’ ask.

No, it sounds like you are attempting to sound mysterious and special in a world where everything has been done, er-go you are grasping at straws attempting to obtain some small semblance of individuality due to a lack of parental attention.  Sad really, I give you till age 25 before you start torturing small animals before moving on to big boy serial killing.

…Wow that was vile even for me.  I’m so proud of me.

You want my name, Call me Calavera, or Seraph works fine too.

Ok Spencer.

Piss me off, I won’ play nice.

Awe, in before e-tough-guy threats!

Be chill, life will be okay. I write a lil.

Judging by your grasp of linguistics, I would say VERY little.  A lot of his profile is completely worthless information so from here on out I am just going to cherry pick the more amusing bits.

I’m not the nicest of guys but I can be alot worse.

Translation: If you make fun of him, he is going to cut himself until you feel bad about it.  Awe, poor Spencer… do they pick on you in school so you have to resort to affirming your manhood by attempting to sound intimidating over the internet?  It’s ok, one day you’ll reach the pinnacle of your existence and show all those meanies how amazing you are.  On a related note when you hit that spot in your life, I like extra mustard on my burgers… and for fucks sake, don’t burn the fries.  I hate that.

You respect me I’ll respect you.

You see, I can’t possible meant that request.  Respecting you would be a lot like respecting a piece of dog shit that attempting to convince me it was as tasty as cake.  Remember kids, the cake is a lie.

If i don’ respond to your email

It means I’m masturbating to photos of live stock.

Ok, enough of his explanation of who he wishes he was but is far too terrified to actually be, lets take a look at his very limited likes;

reading, writeing, drawing, tattoos

Does anyone else see the irony in that sentence?  Please, tell me I’m not that only one that just about died laughing… please?  I don’t really want to be the only left on the internet with half a brain.

…oh let’s face it with my drinking habits half a brain in the same sentence regarding myself is one of the biggest over statements ever written by human hands.

Dislikes, shall we?

mysterious people, Just fuckin with you. Oh i guess i didn’t mention that i’m a sarcastic ass did i?

I really get perturbed with people throw around the words sarcastic or sardonic as a badge of honor… Kid, you have to be at least slightly intelligent to be either, and from what I’ve seen I’m still confused as to how you were able to claw your way out of the vagina of that window licker you call a guardian without somehow getting tangled up in your cord ending in a violent death for the both of you.

…good lord, I’m getting a bit dark tonight.

NEXT!

• You notice the site never got “hacked”.
• I’ve recieved no calls from e-lawyers.
• The juggalos finally got a clue it seems… which amazes me.
• Fuck Georgia weather.
• And the following TV advertisement screams; “Need practice giving hand jobs?!  WE HAVE A SOLUTION!”

I have an article in the makings about feminism and World of Warcraft.

…I might make an example of some of the comments I’ve recieved over the last month… depending on how interested I am when I decided to do so.

That is all.

But wait! Has a new target of people presented themselves? Why yes I think they have! Scene-whores! What’s a scene whore you ask? No, I don’t mean “scene” as in Emo, that’s far too easy. ( Though now that I think about it I need to look up a few of those people too… they are always entertaining. ) 

Back in the day, before we had things like 56K modems and CompuServe there was a technological wonder known as dial in bulletin board systems. These amazing machines allowed us to throw the phone hand-set on our “oh-so-technologically-advanced” analog couplers and dial directly in to said BBS. Talk to each other, play amazing games such as LoRD and Trade Wars… it was a better time, an intelligent time. The time before AOL. This was also the time of the hacker. 

Years later ( about mid-way through the height of IRC usage and promptly after the movie Hackers released ), the idea of being a “hacker” became “cool”… oi… such annoying times. This is where the scene-whore was born. Women who would fuck a hacker for status, and men ( usually referred to back then as lamers… which I’m sorry, sounds gayer than Holywood Blvd during the release of “To Wong Fu” ) that would essentially just bullshit their way through conversations in a failed attempt to sound “1337”. ( By the way, hackers never used “leet speak”… in all honesty, I have no fucking idea where that garbage came from… probably Juggalos ). If you don’t get the idea by now, find yourself a brick and be imaginative with your choices in life. 

Enter, The Packet Princess v2.0! ( Lucky, if you’re reading, this reference has to have you rolling by now. ) This comment comes to you courtesy of the Baby Juggalower Your Standards post. 

Hmmmmmmmm 

First thing that came to my mind was that old Crash Test Dummies song… Christ I’m getting old. 

I think this guy is talking to much shit 

I really wonder how much is “too much” shit. I mean hell, Germany’s porn industry is based around the idea of massive amounts of human fecal matter and to this day I still hear about “Two Girls One Cup”… can there ever really be TOO much shit?! 

so I am going to take this site done 

Hrm… what exactly does this mean?! “Take it done”… is he going to “take” my site until he’s “done”? Well that’s not appropriate… you should at least take it out to a nice dinner and call it in the morning before you “take” it. Better yet, you might want to consider getting a real girlfriend and stop lusting after my domain… 

and Yes I can do that as cause I am a hacker/bot net user 

 

Oh teh noes! Not ze hakarz! Ok a little lesson for those of you that aren’t up to speed on the terminology here. A “bot net user” is essentially someone who is going to attempt to perform a DDoS attack on this site. Imagine this website is a shot glass, and he has a pitcher filled with fragmented packets ( random crap data ). He is going to attempt to pour that pitcher into the shot glass until the shot glass over flows and eventually falls over. This is not hacking, this is called packeting. We make fun of kids like this… thus, Packet Princess. Though amusingly enough, he didn’t use any proxies… thank for the IP Address buddy. Your ISP will be thankful. 

But I am not going to be here log 

 

It’s looooog it’s loooog it’s big it’s heavy it’s wood! 

or is it going to take long for this site to be fucked up 

 

You know, I keep calling my site a light weight but it never learns. Don’t mix light and dark alcohols website! You always get too fucked up too fast and make an ass of yourself! 

So have fun with it I will give you 2 days to read and copy what you want from it to your notepad 

 

“Notepad”… Window user. Big hacker here guys! OR! I could just… back up the database… mind if I do that? 

and NEVER FUCK WITH JUGGALO”S!! 

 

I don’t know why but I just about lost my shit laughing at the quote used as a hyphen. Something so small shouldn’t make me giggle like a school girl… 

We always have back up there buddy 

 

“I’m not your buddy, friend!” ( I’m just full of the stupid television references this week. ) 

and Get a life and stop trying to spy on a fucking kid just to get your damn dick up you butt fucking fag. 

 

Stalking requires effort. I hate things that involve effort… anyways, only a bloody poodle wrapped in 3 day old bacon could get my dick up. 

2 Days Count down nicely. 

“1… 2…. 5 I mean 3!” 

Though you know what? I’m not sure how long I will be done with the Fag House lackies… I mean, I have a phone number, names, dates, times, locations of a Fag House gathering. There is going to be unsanctioned combat, more than likely underage drinking, willing to bet weed. Maybe a call to the Port Orchard Police could prove most entertaining… Anyone live in Port Orchard that owns a police scanner willing to record the hilarity?

So we all remember the voice mails yes?  Someone butchering the English language in an attempt to… hell I don’t know… intimidate me I suppose?  As someone said on face book about one of those posts, a “Telephone Badass”, I believe that was the term.  Which was actually fitting, blocking his number, talking what I suppose in his leave it to beaver town is considered “trash”… you know… a normal Monday in my world.  Well you also remember that because he was blocking his number ( Which is registered in what I can only assume is a family members name… really stupid idea. ) so I really had no idea who was babbling on the other end.  Knowing that these kids have a psychotic level of pseudo-self-accomplishment… I intentionally called out their man-child leader, and openly blamed him for the email…  that’d piss off whoever it was enough to come forward.

Ahhh the human condition, isn’t it fun?

Naturally, Jared skipped to the sound of my drums… *sigh*, I remember when I actually had to try to get these kids to dance for me… oh, at least it makes for good entertainment!  So, before I start getting off track ( like I do ), allow me to introduce! Baby Juggalower Your Standards!  He can’t drink!  He can’t smoke!  But god damn-it all… HE R TUFF!

( Keep in mind this kid asked me multiple times in this voicemail, and about 5 times in their chat room to write a “bloAG” about him… I finally decided that he really needs attention, parents are probably separated, he just wants someone to love him. )

Enter, the voicemail, as transcribed as close as possible to how he speaks;

Alright uhhh.. Luciiiid or whatever the fuck yer name iiiisss.

Remember kids, Marijuana affects your speech patterns… in this case, in a very… VERY obvious manner.

Alight, this is gunna be the first REAL voice mail yer gunna get.

The other ones must have been imaginary.  Damn it, I hate it when figments call my phone and leave me threatening messages.

This is Jailbait Jared

Ok, the term “Jailbait” generally speaks to the idea of someone below the age of 18 that is desirable to those above the age of 18… resulting in possible jail time…  He’s defiantly underage… but that desirable part?  Yeah, delusions of grandeur… seems to be a trend with his genre.

pretty sick if what yer sayin’

I’m typing it, not saying it.  Saying requires there is a voice… well, in my world it does at least, which in my world, 90% of the time, I’m correct 100% of the time.

ya know…

Why yes, I do believe I know what you are saying.  ( Sorry, obvious South Park reference there. )

bout my family and shit ya know yer sittin here talkin shit yer sittin here

I said nothing about Sylvester or any of your real family… delusional little child… now stop being redundant.

writin these bloAGs that make…   I would say no ( whither? ) sense here…

I really honestly don’t know what he said, it sounded like “whither”…  also, if you listen to the voicemail, it seems he has a slight speech impediment… what the fuck is a “bloAG”?

but… ya know in YOUR opinion that makes a lot of sense but then again that’s becuz yer an alcoholic like who, you know sits on yer computer and does nothing.

Read above, 90% -> 100%… though you don’t make much sense there… If I was sitting at my computer doing nothing, this site wouldn’t be here.  Poor little confused child… and lastly… look at the domain name sparky, read the posts, calling me an alcoholic is like calling your gene pool shallow… we all know it, there’s no point in stating it.

Yer gunna keep writing and yer gunna keep writing and typing a-fucking-way

In all seriousness, have you smoked so much weed that you have a .5 second span of memory?  You LITTERALLY just said the same fucking thing not once, not Twice… but THRICE!

Do it.  Just go do it.

You know, Tiger Woods just did it… now he has to pay some ugly chick 300 million USD.  I prefer not “Just Doing It”… that and my fiancée could more than likely kick my ass.  No way I’m walking away from that one.

Because you know what?

Dogs can’t look up?

Yer not realizing… that these little bloAGs are not affecting anybody here

Says the man that just keeps on coming back!  Hey, maybe you could leave me another close to three minute voicemail telling me how much you don’t care.  Convincing.

 it’s just making you look like a dumb alcoholic FUCK!  Which… you are…  you are a stupid alcoholic fuck…

You already said that… remember?  Wait, maybe you don’t.  Poor little stoner.

and yer not getting anywhere in life… whitch yer little website.

I wasn’t aware I was attempting to “get anywhere in life” with my website…  I was always under the impression it was for my entertainment.  Now entertain me puppet!

Keep typing away Sir.

…I can so do that.

But you know, if that’s whatcher  gunna do,  that’s whatcher gunna do,  and I guess we can’t stop you.

Redundant… but that is one of the more intelligent conclusions you’ve come to thus far.

But uh, as I said I gave you an invitation to the Fag House Gathering

No thank you, I don’t go that way, but thank you for the compliment, I’m very happy you find me attractive.

and if you’d LIKE to come… go ahead and do it.

Wow… please, stop coming on to me kid.  You’re just embarrassing yourself…

Leaves(?) July 6.. though the 13..uuuhhh, yeah the 13th here and its gunna be in Port Orchard, Washington

Yes, another kid from a town that has a crime rate of… my testicles.  Man these kids are “hard”.

Now, I’m personally inviting you, because this will be held at my home.

( What the 15 year old means to say is his Grand-Mothers house. )

Aaand, you know, theres gunna be DJ Fag House there,  and prolly Critter will be there, hey maybe Tiff will be there… so… you know all yer little people thatchoknow wanna have beef with are going to be there Sir…

Well at least he respects his elders… though calling me Sir won’t change the fact that if Tiff is going to be there, there won’t be enough beef for anyone else. 

So you know if you wanna be a man and face them… do it.

Last time I checked flying to the contrast coast to beat up some fat kids and a girl is not exactly what is considered acting like… “a man”.

And hey, if any shit starts… you can step, you can fucking step to any of em.

Step?  I don’t want to step.   Want to dance.  Lord of the dance.  BOW BEFORE MY SKIPPITY FEET!

You can have a sanctioned fight…

Sanctioned?  Really… and who is the legal authority that is sanctioning this event?

Because we already have.. a little… couple events going down involving fighting

( Talking about how “badass” Juggalos are. )

and wrestling

( Latently homosexual snuggling. )

and some MMA

( Angry, sweaty, snuggling. )

Sooo… if you’d like to step to them,  please do Sir.

There’s that respecting his elders again.  You know, I really can’t hate him too much, he keeps addressing me as his superior… brings a tear to my eye.

Anyway, yer gunna put this on yer little bloAG… whatever,  go ahead and do it…  I don’t give a fuck….. but, before I hang up,   I’s jus gunna letchu know… that no matter what you do, no matter what you say,  you don’t have any information on any of these people…

Blah blah blah blah, you’ve already said this.  Being redundant again, put down the pipe sparky.

Not even Me.

Your online alias is Jared Jailbait, other-wise known as Jared Plique.  The phone you are dialing me from is registered to one; Sylvester Plique.  From what I gather you live with, or near your grand-mother Helen ( more than likely with ).  You took very adorable pictures on your birthday ( 13^th ) with her.  Your aunt Jennifer died at 12:45PM Tuesday, August 21^st 2007.  I’m sure you and Brenden and Joey were just “crushed”.  In some parts of the world you are “Engaged to the best girl in the whole world”, in other you are currently looking for “Juggalettes” on ICP related dating sites…. By the way, stop calling people and harassing their girlfriends… though that could have been Sylvester… the report doesn’t signify one or the other.  Shall I continue?

All you have on us,  is what you can get from our profile… and if you want… write a whole fuckin bloAG about Fag House Sir… I’ma letchu go now…

Thanks for playing, sorry I don’t have a tacky T-Shirt to offer as a consolation prize.

Por quuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuéééééééééééééééééééééé

¿Cómo estás?

Usually I would end this with something amusing or entertaining… but Tekken 6 is stealing my attention.  So pretend I said something funny.

…then laugh about it.

…and tell me what I said… so I can laugh too.

SO!  You will notice on the right side, yes, right over there… turn your head ( if you’re on the site and not reading my Live Journal… which… if it’s the ladder go to the website you lazy bum )… yes.  That new box called “Your Sloshed”.  That’s your little dashboard now.  Register a name, and you can post to the queue!  ( Meaning you won’t have to email me and you can take care of your own shit… yes, I know… complicated… you’ll manage. )  SO!  Register a name, click on “Submit To Sloshed”, and bingo-bongo, you’re ready to rock.

I do have a post coming that is more the speed of the site coming up here next.  It involves a two minute 60 second voice mail “inviting” me to fly to the other side of America to start a physical fight with a 15 year old.

Because… you know, that’s a perfectly logical idea.

…Social Darwinism… gotta love it.

Feel free to listen to his tirade while I am transcribing it.

To catch you up, last night I wrote a story about a angry little ginger. Naturally, he had more than a few things to say about that via comments. Now, he left said comment last night, yes, I could have responded to it then but I had a purpose with waiting until now which I will explain later in this article. So let’s get to it, shall we?

[ For those of you that wish to pull the “too long didn't read card, he's an idiot and here's the punch line ]

Before accusing someone of calling and leaving harrassing messages and talkin shit to you online make sure it was actually them..before you throw a blog tantrum get your facts straight.

Well, I do remember saying you left threatening voice mails, but that second part? No… no recollection… let me re-read what I wrote about you real quick. Nope, never said that, poor little illiterate red-neck. This is where I get to the explanation of why I waited! You see, if it was one of his lackeys, they would have already piped up about who left the message… seeing as by tracking every hit that comes here, they’ve returned many times, yet!.. No-one has piped up. Also, the message said very specifically “My room”, showing ownership… logically speaking ( as the little wiggers that follow this douche-canoe don’t seem to posses a mind of their own and would never wish to anger their fearless man-child leader )… It was you! Ain’t psychology fun. Onward Captain Poopy-Pants!

Your public out cry for attention is histerical.

Well yes, that’s kind of the point isn’t it? Entertainment value? I’m glad you agree.

Trying to get attention by mentioning mad house and myself is honestly quite sad.

Sad? Possibly… Rather effective? Proven to be most effective. Thanks for playing!

You are correct i was born in Laconia New Hampshire.

I usually am.

I havent been there in a very long time so next time try paying attention to whats being said, i am FROM laconia New Hampshire, i said nothing about living there still..

Well, doesn’t seem by this sentence you’ll be correcting me… sooo… Hows Laconia? Dad still in prison for live stock molestation? ( So I’ve been told )

who are you trying to reach with these blogs anyway?

God. You see, I figure if I amuse the powers that be enough they will look passed my alcoholism and chronic masturbation… Gotta get in to Heaven some how!

i have no clue where your getting your information from but obviously its from an unreliable source

Hey! The voices in my head are rarely wrong! No cut that out, you’ll make them sad… and believe me, no-one wants to deal with emo psychological abnormalities.

probably some under age kid that wasnt alloud in do to the fact there IQ level was about the same as yours.

( I don’t think he realizes that he just gave a fictitious character one hell of a compliment. )

But i will say this…

Oh oh! Let me guess. “I feel like chicken tonight! Chicken tonight! Chicken tonight!”?

im HONORED you took time out of your “busy schedule” to blog about me haha…

Awe. I was hoping for a catchy jingle from my youth. Though its painfully obvious my schedule at the moment isn’t the absolute definition of busy…

how dorkishly nice of you.

Wow, I don’t think I’ve heard the term “dork” used as a disparaging term since… what… the late 80′s? Kudos to you man, bringing it back.

Maybe instead of blogging about folks you should focus on getting a job and out of mommy and daddys house (i have my inside sources too)

Man your inside sources must be taking some psychotically amazing drugs. Tell them to share! I haven’t had a good trip in a long ass time. Though I suppose you’re correct in one aspect of that sentence, I do not in fact have a job. I have a career. Though hey, I’ll see you at work tomorrow, and remember I like extra onions on my burgers.

Im actually very well like in the juggalo nation

Really? Judging by the comments left here apparently you’re a pretty big failure in your scene. Though I suppose self induced reverse psychology is a viable means of existence.

only a select few do not like me but everyone has a member of there family they dont like;

Speaking from personal experience I assume? So how are family gatherings anyways? Have they let you join the adults table yet?

and this “GINGERLO” stuff is quite humorous

I agree, good to know you’ve accepted my stunning wit and superiority.

i have red hair and a red gotee, how creative of you

Please, please, stop with the compliments! I’m going to blush!

how long did it take you to come up with that? judging by how much effort you took into talking about me it must have taken you a painful two minutes.

Actually I saw the picture of you and it just kind of rolled off the tongue. Amazing, isn’t it?!

To be quite honest i ran your blog past a couple of people to see what they thought.

So what did your parents think? Oh I hope they like me! Please say they like me!

they ask “why is this guy so butt hurt about mad house?”

Awe, apparently they missed the point as well. I suppose that’s understandable, they spawned you… and you seem to be as bright as a broken light bulb, which would make them dumber than a box of toe-nails. Wait… that wasn’t fair. Poor toe-nails.

and honestly im asking myself that same question.

Ok, I want you to imagine a dotted line, and 100 feet above that line there is a dot. Think of that dot as you. Now imagine a dot 100 feet below that line, that dot is “the point”. Yeah, that’s the distance you’ve officially missed “the point”.

I cant figure out why some 27 year old guy is having internet arguments with people.

Read the previous articles, I think one of them depicts my massive amount of free time, alcoholism… I think I called myself an attention whore in one of them too. Not too quick on the draw are you cowboy?

I thought the saying was “with age comes knowledge”

I thought the saying was “With age comes disdain for stupidity”… but I’ve been known to be wrong…. rarely.

my friend you prove that too wrong.

How wrong is “too wrong”? Is it wrong like amusing yourself at the expense of other, such as what I am doing? Or wrong like incest… which you are no stranger to I’m sure.

Instead of acting your age you act like a 14 year old girl gossiping becuase you didnt get your way.

Really? The first image of me that comes to your mind is a 14 year old girl? Someone sound the pedophile alarm! Seriously kid, keep my out of your fantasies.

whats next are you going to rag on hip hop because everyone that does it makes more money then you?

I don’t know, are you going to rag on dirt farmers because they make more money than you?

Its sad in this day and age when a 19 year old has to educate a man almost in his 30’s

Heh, we’ll get to that comment at the end of this article, he who destroys the English language.

( if you really are the age it says on your stickam profile, becuase u act a lot younger)

Maybe if I painted my face like a pedophile clown I could be mature too?!

but im going to wrap this up

Sadly, your father didn’t the night of your conception.

so what “viewers” you actually have can read it.

Well that is actually very considerate of you.

From my understanding you have aprox. 4 subscribers, ooooo big popular man huh lol

This actually confused me until I looked at my front page trying to figure out what the hell he was talking about. Apparently I left my test code for the Google toolbar thing still running. Your sources suck again! ( This is becoming a trend )… I actually have 3 people that read the site! So there!

have a good day

Always do, thank you! Very kind.

10 Gauge A.K.A DJ_MaD_HoUsE

Translation: Slugger A.K.A. Incestuous Pedophile Clown.

P.S. you are absolutely right suicide is popular around this time of year.. thats why i fully support you on giving it a try.. without you the world can prosper.

Please, me? Commit suicide? I love myself far too much for that.

MMFWCL TO THE JUGGALO NATION

Oh yeah?! I can to that too! UHFWEIFEWIBFBEWG TO THE CLONE ARMIES!

So I responded to that whole tirade with I will get back to it later after I decipher half of what the hell he typed… his response?

well if you need to decypher it when i used correct english for the most part maybe your the one who needs to brush up on your english/grammar… I didnt mean to confuse you, But i do understand you need to take a second to answer it… take your time.

Some of you old timers know whats coming… don’t ya.

DJ Pedophile Gets Graded!

Oh and yes DJ, I realize my punctuation and grammar are just as bad… the difference is.

…I’m better than you, thus, I’m always right.

Get used to it.

Now you have to understand, I’m not just going to rip ANYONE apart, there has to be some viable reason for it.  I don’t care if your ex-boyfriend cheated on you with three Thai hookers, that’s not interesting to me.  I need substance, meat… as it where.  Stupid pictures, idiotic profiles, hilarious chat logs, things like that… garbage I can comment on and add my own little flavor to.

Have someone you think fits the bill? Do YOU fit the bill?  Let me know by sending the information to any of the following places;

[ Phone: (404) 939-7635 ] [ AIM: uidLucid ] [ Lucid@SloshedInTranslation.Com ]

( And yes, I will keep the source that sent it to me completely anonymous… unless otherwise specified )

Enter Carpcirrus… yes the beginning of his name… is “carp”. Do you people even know what a carp is?! Here ya go, here’s a carp, and I can only assume this is his father featured in the picture. Ah yes, a vampire bred by a carp fucking redneck… only in America people! Let’s get on to the description of this self destructive little cockblood sucker, shall we?

Well gee… I’m a bit confused, one part of his profile says he is from hell… the other says he is Carpathian… and yet ANOTHER spot says he is from St Petersburg, Florida… hrm, m’thinks we have a problem with multiple personalities happening here… I wonder which one, if any as actually remotely sane. Let’s see!

Im a carpathian vampyr

Well, there goes that idea of sanity. Where to start, where to start. Firstly, you might want to credit your assumed country by capitalizing the “c”… secondly, you spelled Vampire wrong. Off to a brilliant start!

derived from the carpathian mountain.

Pst, derived is not a synonym for “from”, or “born”… just a tip. Also, I’m sure you know this… you know being that you are “derived” from them, but there is more than one “Carpathian Mountain”… it’s a range of mountains… little lake in the middle, rather quaint I might add.

Make fun of me as you wish

Finally, a request I can live up to!

but im happy with who i am.

I have a theory about this actually. Have you ever looked at the homeless people in your city? I don’t meant the normal hobos, I’m talking about the people that walk around talking to themselves. Don’t they look like they are having an awesome time? Just walking around… talking to their invisible friends… having a blast.

I dont fly shapeshift or kill people for blood.

Of course not, because that would be WAY too far-fetched… you just sparkle in the sun light… and have horrible acting skills… and played Shark Boy at one point. ( You guys realize that Emo kid from Twilight was Shark Boy… right? )

Im also studying Seax wicca.

So wait, you’re a Vampire… and you are studying a “religion” that was invented in the late 1970′s? Cutting yourself a bit short aren’t you?

i’m in a very powerfull cult which travels around the world.

Oh please god let it be another heavens gate cult. Ok kid, here’s some advice, come 2012, DRINK THE KOOL-AID, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, DRINK THE GOD DAMNED KOOL-AID.

I take any actions to protect me and my family or my race without remorse

Translation: I tell my parents someone was being mean to me, and if that doesn’t work, I ban them from my chat room! I R BIG SCARY VAMPIRE!

I am not the person to mess with but if you wanna be an ally its ok

Be warned, if you do, he will give you a hickey.

choose fo and you’ll become part of a nightmare.

“Choose fo”? Fo?! Did I just get transported to a bad (irony) episode of Pokemon?! “Emo Kid, I choose foooooooooooooooooo!.”

…Blah blah blah, he likes piercings, he was a douche and pieced the webbing between his thumb and anal play finger, listens to metal, yada yada…. he enjoys camping ( no shit, he included that )…

I am allergic to the son

The son? Which son? Oooh, you meant the SUN.. gotcha. Thats odd, you have three pictures on your profile that feature you… uhm… in the Sun? Odd. Must not be a bad allergy. Wait wait wait, is this like when I said I was allergic to a full time job, because that didn’t get me very far in the real world.

it has been proven to specialist i must stay inside durring the daytime.

…Wow, that was barely English. I’m sure someone understands it but Nicole and Infected are watching Rocky Horror in the background and I’ve been drinking like an Irishman whilst beating his red headed step… wife.

Wait.

What?