So we all remember the voice mails yes?  Someone butchering the English language in an attempt to… hell I don’t know… intimidate me I suppose?  As someone said on face book about one of those posts, a “Telephone Badass”, I believe that was the term.  Which was actually fitting, blocking his number, talking what I suppose in his leave it to beaver town is considered “trash”… you know… a normal Monday in my world.  Well you also remember that because he was blocking his number ( Which is registered in what I can only assume is a family members name… really stupid idea. ) so I really had no idea who was babbling on the other end.  Knowing that these kids have a psychotic level of pseudo-self-accomplishment… I intentionally called out their man-child leader, and openly blamed him for the email…  that’d piss off whoever it was enough to come forward.

Ahhh the human condition, isn’t it fun?

Naturally, Jared skipped to the sound of my drums… *sigh*, I remember when I actually had to try to get these kids to dance for me… oh, at least it makes for good entertainment!  So, before I start getting off track ( like I do ), allow me to introduce! Baby Juggalower Your Standards!  He can’t drink!  He can’t smoke!  But god damn-it all… HE R TUFF!

( Keep in mind this kid asked me multiple times in this voicemail, and about 5 times in their chat room to write a “bloAG” about him… I finally decided that he really needs attention, parents are probably separated, he just wants someone to love him. )

Enter, the voicemail, as transcribed as close as possible to how he speaks;

Alright uhhh.. Luciiiid or whatever the fuck yer name iiiisss.

Remember kids, Marijuana affects your speech patterns… in this case, in a very… VERY obvious manner.

Alight, this is gunna be the first REAL voice mail yer gunna get.

The other ones must have been imaginary.  Damn it, I hate it when figments call my phone and leave me threatening messages.

This is Jailbait Jared

Ok, the term “Jailbait” generally speaks to the idea of someone below the age of 18 that is desirable to those above the age of 18… resulting in possible jail time…  He’s defiantly underage… but that desirable part?  Yeah, delusions of grandeur… seems to be a trend with his genre.

pretty sick if what yer sayin’

I’m typing it, not saying it.  Saying requires there is a voice… well, in my world it does at least, which in my world, 90% of the time, I’m correct 100% of the time.

ya know…

Why yes, I do believe I know what you are saying.  ( Sorry, obvious South Park reference there. )

bout my family and shit ya know yer sittin here talkin shit yer sittin here

I said nothing about Sylvester or any of your real family… delusional little child… now stop being redundant.

writin these bloAGs that make…   I would say no ( whither? ) sense here…

I really honestly don’t know what he said, it sounded like “whither”…  also, if you listen to the voicemail, it seems he has a slight speech impediment… what the fuck is a “bloAG”?

but… ya know in YOUR opinion that makes a lot of sense but then again that’s becuz yer an alcoholic like who, you know sits on yer computer and does nothing.

Read above, 90% -> 100%… though you don’t make much sense there… If I was sitting at my computer doing nothing, this site wouldn’t be here.  Poor little confused child… and lastly… look at the domain name sparky, read the posts, calling me an alcoholic is like calling your gene pool shallow… we all know it, there’s no point in stating it.

Yer gunna keep writing and yer gunna keep writing and typing a-fucking-way

In all seriousness, have you smoked so much weed that you have a .5 second span of memory?  You LITTERALLY just said the same fucking thing not once, not Twice… but THRICE!

Do it.  Just go do it.

You know, Tiger Woods just did it… now he has to pay some ugly chick 300 million USD.  I prefer not “Just Doing It”… that and my fiancée could more than likely kick my ass.  No way I’m walking away from that one.

Because you know what?

Dogs can’t look up?

Yer not realizing… that these little bloAGs are not affecting anybody here

Says the man that just keeps on coming back!  Hey, maybe you could leave me another close to three minute voicemail telling me how much you don’t care.  Convincing.

 it’s just making you look like a dumb alcoholic FUCK!  Which… you are…  you are a stupid alcoholic fuck…

You already said that… remember?  Wait, maybe you don’t.  Poor little stoner.

and yer not getting anywhere in life… whitch yer little website.

I wasn’t aware I was attempting to “get anywhere in life” with my website…  I was always under the impression it was for my entertainment.  Now entertain me puppet!

Keep typing away Sir.

…I can so do that.

But you know, if that’s whatcher  gunna do,  that’s whatcher gunna do,  and I guess we can’t stop you.

Redundant… but that is one of the more intelligent conclusions you’ve come to thus far.

But uh, as I said I gave you an invitation to the Fag House Gathering

No thank you, I don’t go that way, but thank you for the compliment, I’m very happy you find me attractive.

and if you’d LIKE to come… go ahead and do it.

Wow… please, stop coming on to me kid.  You’re just embarrassing yourself…

Leaves(?) July 6.. though the 13..uuuhhh, yeah the 13th here and its gunna be in Port Orchard, Washington

Yes, another kid from a town that has a crime rate of… my testicles.  Man these kids are “hard”.

Now, I’m personally inviting you, because this will be held at my home.

( What the 15 year old means to say is his Grand-Mothers house. )

Aaand, you know, theres gunna be DJ Fag House there,  and prolly Critter will be there, hey maybe Tiff will be there… so… you know all yer little people thatchoknow wanna have beef with are going to be there Sir…

Well at least he respects his elders… though calling me Sir won’t change the fact that if Tiff is going to be there, there won’t be enough beef for anyone else. 

So you know if you wanna be a man and face them… do it.

Last time I checked flying to the contrast coast to beat up some fat kids and a girl is not exactly what is considered acting like… “a man”.

And hey, if any shit starts… you can step, you can fucking step to any of em.

Step?  I don’t want to step.   Want to dance.  Lord of the dance.  BOW BEFORE MY SKIPPITY FEET!

You can have a sanctioned fight…

Sanctioned?  Really… and who is the legal authority that is sanctioning this event?

Because we already have.. a little… couple events going down involving fighting

( Talking about how “badass” Juggalos are. )

and wrestling

( Latently homosexual snuggling. )

and some MMA

( Angry, sweaty, snuggling. )

Sooo… if you’d like to step to them,  please do Sir.

There’s that respecting his elders again.  You know, I really can’t hate him too much, he keeps addressing me as his superior… brings a tear to my eye.

Anyway, yer gunna put this on yer little bloAG… whatever,  go ahead and do it…  I don’t give a fuck….. but, before I hang up,   I’s jus gunna letchu know… that no matter what you do, no matter what you say,  you don’t have any information on any of these people…

Blah blah blah blah, you’ve already said this.  Being redundant again, put down the pipe sparky.

Not even Me.

Your online alias is Jared Jailbait, other-wise known as Jared Plique.  The phone you are dialing me from is registered to one; Sylvester Plique.  From what I gather you live with, or near your grand-mother Helen ( more than likely with ).  You took very adorable pictures on your birthday ( 13^th ) with her.  Your aunt Jennifer died at 12:45PM Tuesday, August 21^st 2007.  I’m sure you and Brenden and Joey were just “crushed”.  In some parts of the world you are “Engaged to the best girl in the whole world”, in other you are currently looking for “Juggalettes” on ICP related dating sites…. By the way, stop calling people and harassing their girlfriends… though that could have been Sylvester… the report doesn’t signify one or the other.  Shall I continue?

All you have on us,  is what you can get from our profile… and if you want… write a whole fuckin bloAG about Fag House Sir… I’ma letchu go now…

Thanks for playing, sorry I don’t have a tacky T-Shirt to offer as a consolation prize.

Por quuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuéééééééééééééééééééééé

¿Cómo estás?

Usually I would end this with something amusing or entertaining… but Tekken 6 is stealing my attention.  So pretend I said something funny.

…then laugh about it.

…and tell me what I said… so I can laugh too.

SO!  You will notice on the right side, yes, right over there… turn your head ( if you’re on the site and not reading my Live Journal… which… if it’s the ladder go to the website you lazy bum )… yes.  That new box called “Your Sloshed”.  That’s your little dashboard now.  Register a name, and you can post to the queue!  ( Meaning you won’t have to email me and you can take care of your own shit… yes, I know… complicated… you’ll manage. )  SO!  Register a name, click on “Submit To Sloshed”, and bingo-bongo, you’re ready to rock.

I do have a post coming that is more the speed of the site coming up here next.  It involves a two minute 60 second voice mail “inviting” me to fly to the other side of America to start a physical fight with a 15 year old.

Because… you know, that’s a perfectly logical idea.

…Social Darwinism… gotta love it.

Feel free to listen to his tirade while I am transcribing it.

“Fucking douche bag” I thought to myself. -cue idea light bulb!- And so the idea started to fester, “man there’s a lot of douche bags in the world”, but lets face it, there are different types of douche bags, some tolerable, others, well, worthy of a flame thrower to the sphincter. This being said… Welcome to… The Chronicles of Douche Baggery! “But who is our first specimen?” you may be asking yourself. Well my loyal friends ( subjects ) allow me to introduce… The B.M.Double Douche!

Yes yes I know, not everyone with a nice car ( better than mine ) is a complete douche… but there are certain rules of the road one must learn when living in a metropolitan area… which are as follows;

• If they have soccer stickers.

• If they have religions stickers.

• If they have a vanity plate.

• If they have any stickers pertaining to some award their future welfare recipient of a child won.

• If they drive a car that costs more than an average home payment… a week.
  

They more than likely drive like teens or old people fuck… Fast and completely confused, or slow and sloppy.

 Yes, we know you think you are important… yes, you need to get to the Asian massage parlor before your wife finds out your late meeting was just a farce ( more than likely because shes fucking your boss to begin with )… but seriously, can you do the rest of us with an IQ above the grade of an average pubic hair a favor and make a hard left into the center divider?

Honestly, these are the only people on the road that seem to take lane changes and forced merge lanes as a personal challenge against their man… or womanly… eh fuck it they’re all the same to me.. manhood… yet even though they drive the same route every day, they know that driving on the far right side of a freeway will eventually put them in a merge lane… they STILL refuse to change their driving habits.

Though its not all bad, I’ve learned something. Ever since the idiotic neighbor of a friend of mine hit my car… while it was stationary… and I was asleep… in the house, these douche bags seem to have the mental capacity to assume I have full coverage insurance on my car with the busted ass head light…

 That’s right Richie Dick, merge in to me, I could use a nice lawsuit…

 …I’m sick of working for a living anyways.

Firstly, if you DO find yourself going to a Halloween party, dress up, that’s the point of the occasion… no-one likes a lazy retard that is only there for the booze and to eventually make an ass of themselves for getting too touchy feely on the pretty girls in skimpy clothing… and I don’t want to hear; “I can’t afford a costume!” when I know for a fact $10 and the Halloween store equates to a perfectly acceptable costume…  with that in mind, allow me to illustrate what is NOT an acceptable costume;

• Girls, I realize you want to dress up as that sexy heroine from your favorite game, cartoon, movie, etc…. but please, when you look like you have the capacity to EAT Lilu Dallas?… don’t attempt to dress the part.  This goes for men as well.
• “Slut” is not a costume.  While you may be adept at the lifestyle of BEING a slut… dressing like one only assures that you are doing nothing but notifying the world that you are chock full of insecurities and issues of abandonment. 
• “Wolverine” is overdone.  Stop it.  No-one is impressed by your Wal-Mart claws, fake side burns, or the bald spot you are attempting so desperately to hide with that stupid ass hair cut.  There are plenty of very good comic book characters to choose from… I suggest finding one that more suits your mid-life crisis..this also goes for Sephiroth, Cloud, Batman, and Superman.
• Dressing like your stereotypical self is also not a costume… unless you were intentionally going for “Under-educated, over-privileged, for some reason I wear my pants below my knees, I’m so hard-core ghetto playa’”… which if you were, I suggest you re-consider leaving the house… ever.
• Blood is an ACCENT to your costume… not the costume itself.  Much like alcohol and firearms, use with moderation and care… lest you end up looking like a tampon, or Lady Gaga.

While I’m sure there are hundreds of these I could go in to, I feel that these steps are at least a good starting point to making sure you don’t end up looking like a complete douche canon during your Halloween festivities.