I’ll say this much…

You live in Georgia.

When I say I can find you, I can.

…No seriously, that was the comment.  I wish I was making this up, but I really don’t think I have the mental capacity to be this window licking retarded.  So in response I would like to list all the places that are easily accessible to anyone with half a brain that not only state the fact that I live in Georgia, but that I live in MARIETTA ( Are you paying attention Bryan? ) Georiga.

• This website.
• Vampire Freaks. ( You know, where I found your prostitute of a siste… I mean, girlfriend? )
• MyYearBook.
• Live Journal.
• Oh yeah, and the fact that THE FUCKING AREA CODE OF THE PHONE NUMBER UNDER EVERY SINGLE GOD DAMN POST BELONGS TO ATLANTA MIGHT BE A BIG FUCKING CLUE AS WELL YOU INBRED SISTER FUCKING HICK.

Jesus Christ, where are these people made?  I mean seriously, I am sincerely worried that this kind of stupid is contagious on an epidemic level.  Screw H1N1… we need to be focusing on bleaching the gene pool of Texas.

…then again, they are both from Texas, for all I know they very well could be related… I suppose in the eyes of “Bryan”, anything is better than the cows on the family farm.

Hey guess what douchebag, Joyce just so happens to be my girlfriend.

Chicken butt! Oh, wait, you were being serious… sorry. Ok, I’ll play your game Bryan, guess what! Joyce is a prostitute. I like this game!

You screwed up. Big time.

Dun dun duuuunnnn, enter, Bryan; The E-Tough-Guy. Boy do I love these people, keyboard warriors! Round one… FIGHT!

I’ll find out who you are

Here it comes, wait for it, it’s going to be epic, I just know it!

where you are and all I need to in order to kick the living shit out of you.

There it is! The E-Threat! Though I really wish these kids would come up with something a little more interesting…. I mean if I had a nickle for every time someone has told me they were going to “kick the living shit out of me”, I’d have enough to fill a sock and end Bryans inbred blood line forever. So lets make some logical deductions about Bryan, shall we?

• He’s not the Father of Joyce’s illegitimate child.
• As I said above, inbred.
• Well spoken, but all in all has shit for brains.
• Will end up and abusive drunk to Joyce, and her child… if they last that long.
• Has a gene pool so shallow it makes Paris Hilton look deep.

You’re nothing but a sad pathetic low life that hates themselves so they figure they have to post shit about others that’s false in order to make themselves feel better.

You forgot; Drunk, virgin, unintelligent, unattractive, lonely, and virgin, wait, I said that already… Come on man, keep up with the rest of the class.

Way to go douche-bag totally original work here.

Why thank you, I’m glad you enjoy my obvious talents.

Or at least that’s what I’d say if it were the truth and actually were original.

So wait, now you’re taking back what you just said? Well that wasn’t very nice of you, telling a bold face lie. Do you tell Joyce that the mere sight of her pug looking face doesn’t induce the urge to projectile vomit your cousins semen as well? How deep does your exaggeration go, I wonder.

But guess what there’s a ton of losers like you out there that do the same things that you do. You just chose the wrong girl to do it to.

I beg to differ, I think I chose a perfect target. Got my desired reactions, as well as some addition entertainment.

I’ll find you. Just wait it out buddy.

Can you pick up some cigarettes and vodka on your way? I’m running low… but please when you arrive, please don’t just stalk outside my window masturbating like you do while watching Discovery’s; The mating habits of the American Sheep…. it’s not that I would be honored at your sentiment… it’s just creepy is all.

Wait… I figured it out…

Bryan is her pimp!

honestly i loved the rundown, was fun to read, but not quite on the mark. i don’ use my name because i have alot of situations that would become a mess if i did. my home life was good as a kid, don’ worry about the past, it’s the past that’s the point.

straight up i just don’ care enough to type shit out on my phone for the most part so i never mind to look shit over. shit happens.

you’re about 9 years shy on your age, but hey it’s cool, i like lookin young.

now there is somethin itchin in my mind that just won’ go away. I get how you love to pick someone you don’ know and try to give a breakdwn of who they are and what they do, good job you can be mislead by simple things.

when i said a lil i meant a lil, i hate fuckin reading and for the life of me could give two shits about grammer.

i’m probibly never within driving distace of you, mainly because if i had lied about all else on my page why the fuck would i put my real adress? just food for thought.

Anyway if i had to rate it outta 10 i would say maybe 8 or 9. was a good read just not me, must admit it was a nice shot in the dark and it made me laugh a lil.

i’m free to chat mainly at nights after bout 9 east coast time, look i even made it easy for you to find me.

keep doin what you’re doin, enjoy it, that’s what life’ about right? doin what you love.

Markey Out

It’s really interesting how much he has to say considering he “doesn’t care”.  Though what I found most amusing is he corrected a fair amount of his profile, removed that he lives in Savannah, and just told me what his name was regardless of “situations becoming a mess”.  I love it when people contradict themselves for me.

The second response is always amusing as well, the over protective friend, or in this case little girl that has a crush on our delusional friend that runs to the rescue to inform me of how wrong I am and how pathetic my life is;

hey. so i know this guy and haha your totally wrong about like everything. iv known him for about a year now and i know his family and everything. i love this kid to death. haha i thik its funny how you tried to call him out on crtain things but you wre seriously wrong. to me it seems like you ar SO unhappy with your pathetic life that you have o poke fun at thers, but what you dont get, is that yes, someof the ppl you poke fun at will get offended and try to start shit with you. but then others like this amazing guy here, will jus tlaugh and blow it off like it is nothing. im sure you are going to try to classify me now, go for it. you know nothing about me. but i just wanted to inform you, this is one of the best guys around and you were complety wrong about everything. listen to me or not, thats your decesion. if you would like to argue with me you can e-mail me any time

In all honesty, I didn’t bother reading 90% of what this future prostitute wrote because well, I don’t speak, or read trailer trash.  Honestly, can any of you pick out what point, if any she had with this?  From what I was able to translate I got the following, though after doing some digging I was able to make a few logical deductions about her life;

• She never graduated grade school English.
• She is a single Mother that lives with Mommy and Daddy.
• She more than like will end up on welfare.
• She will end up, if not already turning tricks of cocaine money.

Oh well, on the bright side when her illegitimate child grows up, he can be her pimp!

Our oh so elusive friend doesn’t give us a name, but he looks like he went down the side of the fork in the road that leads to and inevitable ability to deep throat a cactus without the slightest effect on the good old gag reflex, so let’s name him “Spencer” shall we?  ( Most homosexual name I could come up with on the spot, forgive me, I’m only on my third glass of wine which is well below the operating regulations for Lucid Model 27.3.

Spencer is single ( naturally ), apparently 96 years old, from Savannah GA ( Oh god, he’s actually within driving distance of me, I wonder if his idiocy is contagious on a pandemic level ), he says he’s straight but well, let’s just say if this kid is straight I’m a compassionate and loving human being, and his occupation is “grunt” which I can only assume is a typo for “cunt”.

To the meat of it all, shall we?

Here is your basic rundown

Let me guess, you’re 17, live with one of your parents or the other ( as they are most likely divorced, he just puts off that broken home vibe ), a virgin, unemployed, and you have an absurdly unhealthy obsession with Golden Girls X-Rated Fan Fiction.

I can’t tell you WHO i am. Sorry thats for personal protection.

Told ya,  I wonder which one was the abuser, the Mother, or the Father.

Yeah sounds corny i know, just don’ ask.

No, it sounds like you are attempting to sound mysterious and special in a world where everything has been done, er-go you are grasping at straws attempting to obtain some small semblance of individuality due to a lack of parental attention.  Sad really, I give you till age 25 before you start torturing small animals before moving on to big boy serial killing.

…Wow that was vile even for me.  I’m so proud of me.

You want my name, Call me Calavera, or Seraph works fine too.

Ok Spencer.

Piss me off, I won’ play nice.

Awe, in before e-tough-guy threats!

Be chill, life will be okay. I write a lil.

Judging by your grasp of linguistics, I would say VERY little.  A lot of his profile is completely worthless information so from here on out I am just going to cherry pick the more amusing bits.

I’m not the nicest of guys but I can be alot worse.

Translation: If you make fun of him, he is going to cut himself until you feel bad about it.  Awe, poor Spencer… do they pick on you in school so you have to resort to affirming your manhood by attempting to sound intimidating over the internet?  It’s ok, one day you’ll reach the pinnacle of your existence and show all those meanies how amazing you are.  On a related note when you hit that spot in your life, I like extra mustard on my burgers… and for fucks sake, don’t burn the fries.  I hate that.

You respect me I’ll respect you.

You see, I can’t possible meant that request.  Respecting you would be a lot like respecting a piece of dog shit that attempting to convince me it was as tasty as cake.  Remember kids, the cake is a lie.

If i don’ respond to your email

It means I’m masturbating to photos of live stock.

Ok, enough of his explanation of who he wishes he was but is far too terrified to actually be, lets take a look at his very limited likes;

reading, writeing, drawing, tattoos

Does anyone else see the irony in that sentence?  Please, tell me I’m not that only one that just about died laughing… please?  I don’t really want to be the only left on the internet with half a brain.

…oh let’s face it with my drinking habits half a brain in the same sentence regarding myself is one of the biggest over statements ever written by human hands.

Dislikes, shall we?

mysterious people, Just fuckin with you. Oh i guess i didn’t mention that i’m a sarcastic ass did i?

I really get perturbed with people throw around the words sarcastic or sardonic as a badge of honor… Kid, you have to be at least slightly intelligent to be either, and from what I’ve seen I’m still confused as to how you were able to claw your way out of the vagina of that window licker you call a guardian without somehow getting tangled up in your cord ending in a violent death for the both of you.

…good lord, I’m getting a bit dark tonight.

NEXT!

…who knew?

Hello,

I am a very confused foster parent. A little girl came into my care a little over a year ago and she was really sweet, but evidently had some issues. She only stayed with us for a week while the agency was looking for a home that actually had bed space for her. We had to move my daughter into my son’s room and have them share bunk beds and give my daughter’s bed to this girl…….anyway, I would have loved to keep her if I had a bedroom for her. She seemed to had a good heart.

She is now turning 16 and is on My Space advertising that she is a juggalette queen, which I have never even heard of. I did some research; all I could find was little gangsters throwing up gang signs on their My Space. Your page made me laugh out loud, though. Thanks for that. I enjoy making fun of stupid people myself, but that doesn’t mean I could fully understand it all.

So now this poor girl is in her 4th placement I think, they kept trying to find someone who could control her I guess, though she came across sweet to me. But then many of them do in the beginning. I would still try again with her if I had the space, maybe in the future. I am left wondering where the hell her foster parents are, and why they bothered moving her to a “more structured setting” if she is allowed to post sexy pictures of herself showing off her ass, cussing, and conversing with gang members. Sigh.

So I wanted to address the issue with her, sense we sometimes still talk online, and I know her social worker, but I want to know what I am dealing with. I care about this girl, and I want her to be okay, and it looks to me like she is not.

Please, if you can, explain this to me. I do not know anything about gangs. I am pretty naive, but I want to know more. I want to do everything I can to serve the kids in my care, and those that have to move on.

First of all what you need to understand is that my website is a satire that picks on the lowest common denominator of different aspects of society and is in no way shape or form to be taken seriously, glad you got a chuckle out of it though.  As for the girl, Juggalos/Juggalettes are fans of a specific type of music ( bands such as Insane Clown Posse, Twiztid, and Tech N9ne ).  Their sub-genre is not inherently bad, nor are the people in it… the problem with them is their lowest common denominator which is known for extreme bouts of violence, ignorance, and severe psychological disorders.  In all honesty all girls these days get to a certain age and take sexy pictures of themselves and put them all over the internet, from cheer leaders to Goth kids, so that’s pretty normal.  When you say she is conversing with gang members, do you mean people that look like her?  Or actual gang members.. this is important as Juggalos/Lettes are not a gang.  They refer to themselves as  a “family” for the purpose of group identity, and seeing as a lot of the members of said family come from broken homes this is really nothing more than seeking acceptance, which all teenagers do.  In all honesty, as long as she’s not out on the streets selling herself and showing noticeable signs of heavy drug usage, I personally say just let her act out.  Kids will be kids as it were;  the more someone pushes her, the more she’s going to push back.  She’ll more than likely grow out of it.  You may wish to inform her current foster parents or social worker of the pictures though, especially if they are a bit over the top with the visible flesh.

Hope this helps a bit,

Lucid

After responding to this email I let Infected have a look at it, and my response.  Seeing as Infected is a self admitted fan of all things Psychopathic Records related including the “family”, her response to my response was, and I quote;

You really hit the nail on the head there when you were describing “us”.

She also made me realize that the entire conversation was actually pretty good content for the site.  Some of you may remember, way back when I started P2K, it had an advice section… technically speaking, it was the only serious part of the site… well, semi-serious.  I’ve decided to bring that back, if it picks up again, cool, if not, well, meh.

At any rate, the first addition to the advice section will be coming later today, after I’ve had some more coffee…

…and a cigarette…

…possibly punted a few midgets around for a bit…

-Finish a book and/or story
-Less things that are bad for my health (mostly because of the financial burden, admittedly)

Now, for some 2009/00s-wrap-up-crapola.

Goodbye to the Age of the Vampire. I’ll be honest, I won’t miss it a damn bit. I’m not sure if anyone else has called it the Age of the Vampire, but since I’m unaware, I’m totally snagging props for it.

If you’re unaware as to why one would call it the Age of the Vampire, chances are you haven’t really paid attention to the movie theater or a television or the internet or, hell, bookstore this past decade – count yourself lucky on most accounts, although you did miss some pretty neat stuff at the same time – and are blissfully ignorant of the stampede that is the vampire herd.

Sure, there’ve been arguments that we’ve ALWAYS been in a vampire craze. That every decade someone lifts the metaphorical shovel and drops a whole new load from the pile on our faces. That might be true. In fact, it probably is. I’m not going to look and try to confirm it, but knock yourself out. The reason I won’t look is because I’m not talking about actual vampires. No, I’m not referring to the vampires of yesteryear: Nosferatu, Dracula. Shit, I’d even count Anne Rice’s superhero/religiously symbolic vampire novels and movies as ‘classic’ vampires at this point, even though I mostly blame them for what people now accept as vampires.

No, I’m not going to go an anti-sparkling-vampire rant or go on about how vampires with a Matrix trilogy wardrobe piss me off. But I will mention them. And I just did. Sneaky, aren’t I?

I’d like to say hello to the Age of Angels. With bloodsucking emo boys and girls out of the way, why not some emo boys and girls from Heaven? Or, hey, here’s an ‘original’ idea! Angels from HELL. Oh, man. Someone copyright that and take the check to the bank today, because hot damn. No one’s ever heard o– what’s the Bible again?

But I digress. The Age of the Angels. It’s something of a prediction on my part. And on alot of folks’ part, based on a little lookie-lookie around the intermess. What with Fallen (a ‘young adult’ novel, which I presume means it’s on par with Twilight, but I won’t make any hard assumptions) and its movie rights getting bought by Disney. What with Legion coming out, which looks awesome but is likely just the proverbial doorman to Motel Sparkling Angel. I figure that by 2020 I’ll be wanting that John Travolta movie Michael back like a crack fiend wants a candy bar. They like candy bars, right?

Now, before you tell me crap about how we’re ‘always dishing out angel media’, please read above about the vampire thing. Think about Twilight, think about Underworld. This is the kind of ‘modernizational’ form of classic things I’m talking about. Putting things in a trenchcoat or making them cry and/or sparkle doesn’t put a unique twist on things. Let’s be serious and objective. We aren’t thirteen, here.

—-

Let’s give a goodbye to the year (and decade, in the interest of fairness) of ‘important’ peoples’ deaths. Now, before I mention the first guy that pops in my head when I say ‘important’ in what amounts to internet air quotes, I want you to go grab a cup of tea or coffee or whatever it is that helps you relax or, at the very least, helps you shut the hell up.

Okay, ready?

Great.

Michael Jackson.

…are we still friends? If so, let’s keep going.

I’m not denying the man’s singing career. It was impressive. Not a fan of his music (or him) all that much personally, but I can see the allure. I’m not going to mention all the crap about the little kids or anything, because it’s really been done to death. Oh, look, I was sneaky again. I didn’t even see that one coming. Heh. Comi–

Sorry, let’s keep going.

Billy Mays. Now, the only reason this guy is famous is because of the existence of three groups of people. The first being people who have insomnia and/or some other reason to be awake at night to catch the infomercial shitstorm that rolls in at around 3AM. The second being people who are fans of buying things based on a televised advertisement, and the third, of course, being engrossed in internet pop culture.

I’m looking at you, 4chan.

I’ll try not to be longwinded on dead people from this decade (actually I only mentioned two and they were from this past year… crap, hurry, pick someone else from another year!) so I’ll spare you too many more.

William Hanna passed away in 2001. You might remember his last name if you’ve ever watched any cartoon from Hanna-Barbera. To alot of people – mostly furries or cartoon enthusiasts – this was a shot to the bojangles/ovarian region. But, really, he had little to nothing to do with cartoons as of about ten years before his death. I loved the cartoons produced as a child, but looking back at it now I can only give a tip of my hat. If I had one, that is. So, I’ll tip my oversized mug of ice water.

Here’s to you, Hanna.

Oh, and the ‘Barbera’ part of Hanna-Barbera died, too. Insert copy-pasted paragraph here. Sorry, Joseph Barbera.

Ronald Reagan died in 2004. The guy was an actor, then the president of the Screen Actors Guild, then he decided ‘What the Hell? If I can run this mess, I can run an entire COUNTRY!’ and became president for two terms, then he was blissfully unaware of the world for the last 15 years of his life thanks to Alzheimer’s. Lucky bastard. Living the life I could only dream of. Except for the president part and the Alzheimer’s part. And the acting part, for that matter, I can barely pretend to be asleep.

While we’re on the topic of 2004 deaths, Marlon Brando, better known as ‘that guy from The Godfather with that Mafia voice’ passed away. Are you expecting a Mafia crack? Or maybe a jowls joke, since the man had some impressive old man jowls? Well, I would never stoop so low.

In ‘06, we had Gerald Ford die. He lived to be 93, like Reagan. I’m pretty sure his only will to live there toward the end was to beat Reagan’s record as longest living President by as much as he possibly could. I know that’s how I’d keep going. But, he died on Christmas, which is honestly a dick move on his part. What would Santa think?

Five days later in a surprisingly un-dick move (for the first time in his adult life), Saddam Hussein was executed for war crimes after being found imitating Bugs Bunny. You’d think he’d have learned that it was a right at Albuquerque by just watching the damn cartoons, but hey. What can you do?

—-

All in all, the 00s weren’t so bad. Unless you count the wars, turmoil and death in the Middle East, the 9/11 attacks, the crashing economies, the unemployed millions, the serious lack of equality based on sexual preference, the Armageddon Clock making out with midnight or the lack of progress as a species/civilization as a whole.

Which I don’t.

Happy 10s!